I Hate Living Here!
I’m spending the week in Brighton; I’ve only been once before (the same week last year) but I loved it then and I love it now. It’s so vibrant, full of life and diversity. Everyone here is different, there is no one the same. And in being different, it makes us all the same too. It’s a weird contradiction but one I’m happy to embrace.
There is of course, as with all places, a dark side too. It’s expensive down here and there are a lot of homeless people. The drugs are more visible (the number of times I’ve walked through a weed cloud which I’ve not noticed anywhere else), the glazed eyes on some people and clear distress or suspicion in the eyes of others.
I was in the gym and a lady came in. She just had her head down getting on with her workout. There was definitely a, "don’t come near”, edge I noticed. Then I went for a swim. A while later the same lady came into the pool area, and we ended up chatting. She hadn’t been living in Brighton long and had done some travelling and kind of floated here unintentionally. She really doesn’t like it. She was telling me how unfriendly the people are, and she just didn’t know what she was going to do.
After a while we got talking about what she does, and it turns out she’s a counsellor. It was at this point she decided she had had enough talking so I continued my swim. We then ended up in the steam room at the same time and she asked me more about what I do. We talked about relationships, and she told me she was done with them. She’d had too many bad experiences. I said I’d had a fair few myself but was in a happy relationship now. She left the steam room telling me she’d given up.
I've Done all the Work, There's no Hope.
As I left the pool area after some really uplifting chats with some other people in the sauna (all locals and lovely and friendly), I saw her leaving. She said to have a good week and I said, “I hope you have a happy life”. She said, “I’ve had all the therapy, I’ve done the work, nothing helped and there is no hope for me”. And sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this from people working in the wellbeing space. I’ve heard numerous times “I’m a therapist myself, I’ve done all the work, I’ve tried everything, but life is still terrible”.
I reflected back on her initial statement of Brighton being an unfriendly place, and the only person I met that whole day (and since actually) with the walls up who struggled to engage, was her. I bumped into a lady from the sauna on the way out of the hotel as I was going for a walk, and we chatted and walked for a further 20 minutes having a lovely time. Perhaps it wasn’t Brighton that’s unfriendly.
I also thought about the, “I’ve tried everything and know every therapy”, and I know this isn’t true. I’ve had so many guests on my podcast and met others who found their healing through a method that they now swear by. I’ve known Qi Gong teachers, Reflexologists, people who meditate in pyramids, walk bare foot, hypnotherapy, tarot, NLP (my favourite), Constellation Therapy, breathwork, coaching, cold water, journalling, vision boards, the list is endless. All of those people have had massive life traumas, but they knew there was hope and they kept going until they found the thing that suited them.
Who are You Trying to Convince?
As soon as you tell me, “That’s it for me, there is no hope”, I wonder who you are trying to convince. Because I will never be convinced of that. In my own life or in yours. There are people who have come from the brink of death who have found new life. There are people who have lost limbs, the ability to move, who have been on death row, who have come back and had a great life. If they can do it, so can you.
Do not stand behind the “I’m a therapist so I must know it all” banner. That is just an easy way of saying it’s not me, it must be someone else. Or it is me, and I’m too broken to mend but I’m still going to try and fix others even though I don’t believe I can fix myself.
No one; not one single person; is too broken to have a good future. Is too damaged to have a brilliant relationship. Is too clued up on the therapies of the world to have tried everything.
I know it’s hard. I’ve had all sorts of things that haven’t worked for me. I see my girls struggle to believe there is something that can help them when so far that hasn’t been the case. But I know for certain, if you believe it can never change, you are absolutely correct.
Reflections
I came away from the interaction with that lady feeling not only reflective but a bit…sigh… the only description I can give is sigh. She was angry with me for being so positive. And that’s just a guess but it’s how she came across. Very angry that I suggested she could have a happy life. She stomped out of the changing room telling me she had had enough for one day! What I had seen was a workout in the gym, a swim in a pool, a sit in a steam room, with someone to talk to who listened, and yet to her she had had enough of her day, and everyone is seemingly unfriendly.
Perhaps I had a different effect than I felt and perhaps I need to look at myself too. Maybe I was trying too hard to make this person with clear walls up be happy when they don’t want to be. Maybe I was forcing them into conversation they didn’t really want to have. Perhaps I was trying to rescue a soul in clear distress. Perhaps I was actually on her gratitude list that evening as someone who listened to her and talked. But I suspect not.
If you are thinking everyone around is unfriendly, perhaps look inwards and ask what you are projecting. I spoke to so many wonderful people that day who uplifted me and broke the sigh of my interaction with her.
Be careful who you surround yourself with, and if they make you sigh, find people who can break the sigh.
And if you are convinced nothing can ever work for you, do you really want that to be correct, the story for the rest of your life by? Or are you willing to be curious and re-write the story? Perhaps one day you will be telling someone else about the thing that worked for you. You found the perfect crystal, discovered Reiki or threw yourself into a martial art.
Whatever your choice, it is your choice to make.
Today I met up with someone who used to insist they did not want a partner and there was no one out there for them. We did a bit of work on relationships during our coaching sessions (just in case), and they are now glowing, full of beans and in a beautiful relationship. Imagine if they had blocked that out of their life completely because there was “no hope”.
Do you think the world around you is unfriendly?
I can promise you, at Q Branch we are always friendly so why not book a first date so we can show you (and even more friendly, it comes without cost or obligation).
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Jenny Jarvis
Founding Partner of Q Branch, Jenny is a highly trained and experienced Human Transformation Specialist, Coach and NLP Practitioner who is passionate about positive relationships and giving founders and leaders the BOLD Confidence and tools it takes to build BOLD Brands and Cultures. She is also an inspiring keynote speaker and lover of french wine and cheese.
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